Children are monsters

That’s a direct Instagram quote from my friend Ashley who happens to be a teacher, so I’m inclined to believe her.

Last night was Halloween, and I was soooo excited! I wore orange and black to work and could not wait to get home and see all the kids in their cute costumes going door to door. I’ve lived either at college or in an apartment for the past 8 years (woof), so this was the first time I’d actually be getting trick or treaters. I loved Halloween as a kid, (and as a drunk college student) and we haven’t even had Halloween in NJ in two years thanks to Snowtober and Sandy. This was the year.

Being proactive, I decided it wasn’t fair to leave the really little kids out of the fun just because they go trick or treating while I’m at work. So, I filled a big serving bowl with candy and left it on the steps. Everyone laughed and said some teenager was just going to loot all the candy and take off. I, not the skeptic for the first time ever, did not believe that. I assumed I’d come home to a half empty bowl.

I came home to nothing. Those little bastards took all the candy AND THE BOWL!! Who does that?? Like I grew up in the burbs, and I’ve heard of houses that didn’t give out candy being egged, and I always thought that was so crazy, but this is worse! I did my part. I gave you candy! Why the theft kids? It’s making me wonder if Cranford is the right place to raise non-delinquent children. Seriously parents, teach your offspring some manners.

Anyway, I tried to laugh it off and get excited again. I actually was excited when we got our first pair of ‘treaters. Two very polite girls rang the door bell, said their line, took some candy, said thank you and left. Success! The doorbell rang only a few minutes later and I found myself very confused at an empty front door. Turns out these next four boys had somehow gone to our backdoor, (which is pretty tucked away) but they were also polite, and I was feeling better about the whole thing.

I waited for our next visitors. And they never came. That was it. 6 trick or treaters! 6! If Sunday mornings in our neighborhood are any indication then there are at least 548 kids on our block. Where did they all go?? I had heard a story of one woman who gave out 1500 pieces of candy a few years ago. I was bragging about how busy our house was going to be. I bought 500 pieces of candy!! I was looted about 100 and gave out 6! I have 394 pieces of candy sitting in my house!

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Oh yeah. It’s the good stuff too. I didn’t just get Mike and Ike’s! So I ate a bunch of it. With a large glass of wine. Don’t worry, I made scrambled eggs too. Because I’m an adult.

I’m not lugging it to work, so I have to find some other way to dispose of all this rather than through my gullet. I’ve heard you can donate it somewhere and they will send it overseas to soldiers. I’ll definitely look into that.

Despite the meager showing, I hope the kids who went out had a blast. They certainly deserved it after the last two years were literally washes. I hope everybody stayed safe and had fun. Except for the kids who stole my bowl. I hope they got nothing but Dots.

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