It’s amazing what a difference a month makes. Last time I checked in, I was a bit frantic. Logic says I should be totally insane right now, but I’m actually… feeling really wonderful.
I don’t know when the switch flipped. Actually, I do, but it’s stupid. Lately, my witch doctor approved diet has been slipping. With my own shower, Laura’s wedding and Steph’s shower, I’ve been eating way more sugar than is recommended. I’m not beating myself up for it or anything. It’s important to indulge and celebrate! But now that we’re 30 days out from our wedding, I’ve been telling myself it’s time to get serious again. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t partially motivated by the thought of losing some weight, but mostly I just want to feel really healthy on the big day. With all the stress, the odds are not in my stomach’s favor, so I’m trying to stack the deck with a great diet. Obviously this super strict plan does NOT include my upcoming bachelorette party where I plan to eat and drink all the things.
Anyway, I’ve been gearing myself up for my new recommitment by telling myself, “You can do anything for 30 days.” It’s a technique I use when I run (remember when I used to run? Lol). I always tell myself you can do anything for 5, 10, 20 minutes. It works for running, and it worked now. As soon as I started thinking like that, 30 days felt so short. Like incredibly short.
I remember when we started booking vendors 16 months ago and thinking it would be FOREVER until the wedding day. I remember last July, after we’d already been engaged for five months and thinking, “We still have a year to go. I’m gonna be so over it by then.” And there are days where I look forward to the honeymoon more than the wedding, but I’m 100% more excited than I thought I would be at this point.
I went for my final dress fitting last night. The other two times I’ve tried the dress on, I’ve had a crew with me. It was so, so fun to pick it out with all my girls, and it was really sentimental and special to get my measurements with the moms and my sister. So, I was a little nervous to go by myself. I mean, I can’t even put the thing on without help! But it was a rainy Wednesday night, so I went with apologies for missing it and instructions to take a million pictures.
I am so glad I put on my dress one (semi) final time by myself. Trying it on in front of people felt like a dress rehearsal for a big production. Totally exciting but not entirely real. Standing last night in the dressing room with mirrored walls spinning around by myself, it totally hit me. This is the dress I’ll be wearing when my life changes. This is the dress I’m going to marry the man I love with my whole heart in. This is so real.
The next time I put it on I’ll be surrounded by people from the minute I step into it until the moment I collapse in bed in it. And while I fully intend to wear it around the house doing dishes and watching TV (like that friends episode where all the girls (including pregnant Phoebe) buy wedding gowns), it’ll never be the same. I am so thankful I got some quiet time with “my lady” as the lovely alterations women kept referring to “her.”
I think what’s changed the most for me is realizing that I really will be entering a new phase of my life in 30 short days. I saw a future with Chris from the moment I met him, so there was never a doubt in my mind that I’d spend the rest of my life with him. As such, being engaged hasn’t felt too different from dating. We’ve always been committed, and we’ve always discussed a future together. I’m thankful for these past 16 months because we’ve grown so much stronger together, but going from Chris’ girlfriend to Chris’ fiancé and preparing to be his wife has just felt like a natural progression.
Then it hit me, I’m gonna be a wife. Oddly, taking Chris out of the picture was when it really hit me. My status is changing and not just in the Facebook sense. I know not much will really change. I’ll still wake up (grumpily) and pet the cats and take the dog out for potty. But still. I’ll be a married woman. I’m not really doing a good job at articulating this. You’re probably thinking, “Um what did you think you’d be after the wedding? A werewolf?” But I guess it felt so natural I didn’t think about it.
Now I’m thinking about it, and I can’t wait to be a wife. I know it’s going to be more difficult than I can imagine to make our marriage last. We have an equal chance of success and failure. I’ll have to decide every day (sometimes more than once) to be a part of this relationship, but I feel ready for it.
Throughout our engagement, we’ve seen Love take some pretty serious blows. Marriage has gotten a bad rap, and it’s been humbling at best and discouraging at worst. But as we picked our readings last week, a theme emerged. Our first reading is about being a light to the world. Being an example simply by living our lives with the values Christ taught us. Our second reading reminds us that love never fails. I want us to be that love light that makes someone else think they can do this too. I’m ready to take up that cause. I cannot wait for the first day of our marriage and the rest of our lives together.