The Struggle is Real

File this one under first worldiest of problems I guess. You know when you’re stressed about something and you know the stress is there like a low level buzzing, but it never really manifests itself in a way you can clearly link to the stressor then suddenly it comes to bear over the dumbest thing? No, just me?

Obviously, I’ve got some anxiety about this upcoming wedding. I’m in a much better place than I was last month, but even if I were the calmest person alive, having a huge event where you are the center of attention just two weeks away would freak anyone out. Usually, the stress comes in bursts. Meeting with vendors usually causes it because they tend to (helpfully) bring up 30 things I haven’t thought of at all.

We met with the Deacon who’s marrying us for the final time last night, and he detailed exactly how the day will go. It was very helpful and exciting because it gave me a vivid picture of the day. Still, we left and my mind was buzzing with a long list of to-do’s.

I tried my best to calm down and relax, but I still ended up going to bed with a busy mind and a lot of anxiety. Predictably I woke up later in the night, restless, and since I was up, decided to run to the bathroom. On my way I noticed my favorite pair of flip flops, the only ones I wear that make my every four daily commuting miles of walking bearable, lying on the floor and thought, “Oh I should put these away before Layla chews them.”

Layla, while generally a very well behaved dog, chews EVERYTHING. She’s eaten pillows, blankets, her own food bowls and every one of the cats’ toys (poor guys). She never does it when we’re around, and you can’t correct behavior unless you catch a dog in the act, so it’s been hard to curb. We can’t give her edible bones because they cause a lot of digestive upset, and rubber bones cause her gums to bleed (vet says it is due to trauma to her teeth in her pre-rescue days- somehow food bowls cause no problems hmm). So, we have gotten better about putting things out of her reach, but like I said, my mind was elsewhere last night.

So, I go to pick the shoe up by the straps, and can’t grab it. That’s when I realize that the straps were missing. Totally gone. She are the entirety of two sandals worth of thick (more than an inch) leather straps. Ate them. It’s not that the shoes were ridiculously expensive (but they were not cheap). It’s just that they were my favorite. They took a long time to break in, but afterwards they fit wonderfully. I won’t be able to explain why this got to me so much because it is an admittedly stupid thing to be upset about. Still, it wasn’t the shoes. It was the stress.

So, I lost it. Not on Layla of course (the least effective thing to do with an anxious dog is yell at her). I just locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed. For minutes. Like many minutes. As I was crying, I knew it was so stupid, but that only made me more frustrated. I cried until I hyperventilated then decided I had to pull it together. I got myself off the floor and back to bed but couldn’t fall asleep for hours.

I actually woke up feeling better this morning. The stress needed to come out, and I’m actually sort of glad it was in the bathroom in the middle of the night over a pair of flip flops. Chris was wondering why I was out of bed for so long last night and up relatively late today, so I first made him swear he wouldn’t laugh at me, then I told him my saga.

And see, this is why I’m marrying him. It’s such a dumb thing to get upset about, but he just put his arm around me and said he would have been really upset too (he wouldn’t have because he’s better at taking things like that in stride, but it was nice to say). He rubbed my back and told me he wants to buy me new flip flops. He’s a good man. We’re good for each other really. It made me feel much better, so I guess a pair of destroyed shoes was a blessing in disguise. Thanks dog.

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